co-parenting in divorce

Effective Co-Parent Communication After Divorce

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When parents divorce or break up, communication can be a challenge. But when you have children together, you cannot just choose to ignore your co-parent, no matter how difficult the situation may be. Your ability to continue to communicate effectively with your co-parent will affect your children for good or for ill. Fortunately, you can take steps to make co-parent communication easier and more effective.

If you are on friendly terms with your co-parent, you will likely continue to communicate in the ways you do with other friends and family members – via phone, text, and email. If the relationship with your co-parent is difficult, or if you are prevented from communicating with your co-parent because of a domestic injunction, you will likely communicate with your co-parent with a dedicated phone application. These applications support text, videos, and calendars. They can provide a method for submitting receipts or otherwise tracking shared expenses.


In Wisconsin, the most commonly used app is Our Family Wizard, or OFW, for short. You can give your attorney access to view your OFW communications and the court can view your OFW account on its dashboard. This makes it easier for the court and other professionals involved to understand the problems that co-parents are experiencing. It also provides a measure of accountability to parents, who know that their communications may be viewed by attorneys, judges and guardians ad litem.


No matter what method you chose for communication, make sure you have a communication strategy so that you can prevent or diffuse difficult situations. One great method, developed by Bill Eddy, is call the BIFF method. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Here’s how each component works:

  1. Brief: Keep your response short and to the point. Avoid lengthy explanations or details that could open up more areas for disagreement. This minimizes opportunities for further conflict.
  2. Informative: Include relevant information only. Provide factual content that addresses the primary issue without emotional or judgmental language. Stick to clear information that helps clarify or resolve the matter.
  3. Friendly: Maintain a friendly tone, even if the situation is tense. This helps to defuse hostility and can make the recipient more receptive to your message. A friendly approach can reduce defensiveness.
  4. Firm: Be clear and firm about your message. Avoid giving in to unreasonable demands or making overly conciliatory statements. Respectfully assert your position or boundary without being aggressive.

These principles can help you craft communications that defuse conflict and convey necessary information in a way that minimizes escalation. And that is one of the most valuable things you can do for yourself and for your children.

Tips for a Better Co-parenting Relationship After Divorce

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For couples with children, divorce does not end a relationship but instead changes its focus. Although they no longer relate to one another in the context of marriage, in order to provide the best possible care for their children, divorced parents must learn to forge a new relationship as co-parents. The following tips may help smooth the transition for divorcing parents and help them provide a stable, healthy environment for their children.

 

Foster mutual respect

 

Particularly in the immediate aftermath of a painful breakup, when divorced spouses may still be dealing with strong and difficult feelings toward one another, co-parenting can seem like a daunting task. However, regardless of what your feelings may be toward your ex, kids need a strong and loving relationship with both parents. Therefore, it is important to promote and encourage a strong relationship between your children and the other parent. Resist the urge to be competitive, and take care not to vent your frustrations or speak disparagingly of your ex in front of your children.

 

Communicate

 

Another important part of a successful co-parenting relationship after djivorce  is keeping the lines of communication open between yourself and the other parent. Communicating frequently and openly will help both parents stay in the loop about the children and help create continuity between households. In addition, regular communication between co-parents helps nip misunderstandings and miscommunications in the bud, preventing them from growing into larger conflicts that may be disruptive to parents and children alike.

 

It can be helpful to set regular times to touch base with a co-parent about things like school, homework, scheduling, holiday plans and health issues. If speaking face to face is too difficult, particularly at first, try touching base by phone, email or instant messaging. With time and patience, collaborating with your ex on parenting issues will most likely become easier.  See our blog on using Our Family Wizard as an effective tool.

 

Establish boundaries

 

As important as communication is for successful co-parenting, it is just as important for you and your ex to establish reasonable boundaries and show respect for one another’s privacy. Tempting as it may be, avoid grilling your kids for details about your ex’s personal life after divorce.  Also resist the urge to micromanage or criticize your ex’s parenting skills — even when he or she does things in a way that you would not choose. If you make an effort to choose your battles and keep things in perspective, your ex-spouse will be more willing to extend you the same courtesy.

 

Minimize conflict during the divorce process

 

Couples with children and others who wish to minimize the negative impact of divorce often benefit from a process known as collaborative divorce . Unlike traditional divorce litigation, which is fundamentally adversarial, collaborative divorce is based on cooperation and communication between the spouses, with a shared goal of reaching a mutually agreeable outcome. At the beginning of the collaborative divorce process, both spouses sign a contract that states they agree to resolve the divorce without resorting to litigation.

 

For couples who are interested in collaborative divorce but are not necessarily ready to sign a contract, cooperative divorce offers a similar solution. The process of cooperative divorce is essentially the same as collaborative divorce, except that the spouses retain the option of going to court as a last resort.

 

If you have any questions regarding divorce, please contact our office at 414-258-1644 to schedule a free initial office consultation or visit our website for more information.