Month: December 2012

5 Useful Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents

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    1. If you have a disagreement about placement, look at your divorce decree/marital settlement agreement, and follow it TO THE LETTER.  Do not put yourself at risk of being found in contempt over the holidays. Follow your court ordered agreement and address with your attorney any concerns or violations that happened AFTER the holidays.
    2. Do not speak ill of your ex in front of your children.  Even if your ex dropped off the children 15 minutes late, do not speak negatively of him or her in front of your children. It is not productive for your co-parenting relationship and it has a negative effect on your children
    3. Do not get into a texting/phone war.  If you have issues with your ex regarding placement, send a well thought out e-mail or get on your Our Family Wizard account. Nothing will be resolved through misinterpreted texts, or nasty telephone conversations.
    4. DO allow your children to talk about your ex with you, and speak positively (or at least neutrally) about him or her with the children.  Children can sense when parents are not getting along. For example, if they ask if Santa is coming to Mommy’s house, do not respond by saying “Not a chance. He’s flying over and dropping coal as he goes.” Again, this is NOT productive.
    5. Above all, remember the holidays are about your kids.  Ensure to the best of your ability that you make the holidays positive for your children. Do not dwell on the fact that you were not awarded the overnight you wanted. Instead, maximize your placement by spending quality time, when you do have time with your children.

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Mediation and Domestic Abuse

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In Wisconsin, mediation is required in all family law cases where there is a dispute regarding placement and/or custody of minor children. The definition of mediation is when the two parties meet outside of the courtroom, with a neutral third party, to work out the contested issues in their case rather than litigate them.

The problem with mediation for a couple where domestic violence is present is that mediation implies that the parties are on a level playing field. When there has been domestic violence in a relationship, the abuser and the victim are not equal, and mediation can be more harmful than helpful. Victim advocates have weighed in on this issue and do not recommend mediation in cases when there has been domestic violence present, because there is a power relationship between the parties which may go unnoticed by the mediator.

Take, for example, a wife (victim) who goes to mediation with her husband (abuser). The husband speaks to the wife calmly and cooperatively in front of the mediator. He asks the wife to please be reasonable and to work with him. In fact, he suggests that they stop using court avenues altogether and meet once a week around the kitchen table to discuss the children’s placement schedule. To the mediator, the husband seems agreeable and reasonable. However, to the wife, the kitchen table brings up the memory of the last time she was at the kitchen table with her husband, when he threw her on top of it and abused her. Silenced by fear, the wife simply sits there or, out of fear, gets up and leaves the mediation. In this example, it is likely that the mediator’s notes would categorize the wife as disagreeable or unable to work on the issues reasonably while the husband is found to be agreeable and cooperative. Knowing the domestic violence present in this example, we know that the mediator’s notes are incorrect but there is nothing to do after the mediation is concluded to change the mediator’s conclusion.

The court is allowed to make an exception for mediation if it would endanger the health or safety of one of the parties. Therefore, it is important for an abuse victim to raise this issue before the court. The court may, either with or without a hearing, agree to then waive mediation.

Definitive evidence of potential harm is the existence of a domestic abuse injunction. If a victim files an injunction against the abuser, this is compelling evidence upon which the court can waive mediation. The reality, though, is that many victims do not file injunctions for a number of reasons. An injunction is not required to waive mediation, however. If you do not have an injunction but still are fearful for your safety, you should inform the court so as to avoid this situation entirely.

Therefore, if you are a victim of domestic violence, either with or without an injunction legally protecting you, we recommend that you inform the people who can best help you going forward in your court case. This includes, but is not limited to: your attorney, the Guardian ad Litem, the mediator and the social worker.

-Madeleine Thompson-Davies

Tips for a Better Co-parenting Relationship After Divorce

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For couples with children, divorce does not end a relationship but instead changes its focus. Although they no longer relate to one another in the context of marriage, in order to provide the best possible care for their children, divorced parents must learn to forge a new relationship as co-parents. The following tips may help smooth the transition for divorcing parents and help them provide a stable, healthy environment for their children.

 

Foster mutual respect

 

Particularly in the immediate aftermath of a painful breakup, when divorced spouses may still be dealing with strong and difficult feelings toward one another, co-parenting can seem like a daunting task. However, regardless of what your feelings may be toward your ex, kids need a strong and loving relationship with both parents. Therefore, it is important to promote and encourage a strong relationship between your children and the other parent. Resist the urge to be competitive, and take care not to vent your frustrations or speak disparagingly of your ex in front of your children.

 

Communicate

 

Another important part of a successful co-parenting relationship after djivorce  is keeping the lines of communication open between yourself and the other parent. Communicating frequently and openly will help both parents stay in the loop about the children and help create continuity between households. In addition, regular communication between co-parents helps nip misunderstandings and miscommunications in the bud, preventing them from growing into larger conflicts that may be disruptive to parents and children alike.

 

It can be helpful to set regular times to touch base with a co-parent about things like school, homework, scheduling, holiday plans and health issues. If speaking face to face is too difficult, particularly at first, try touching base by phone, email or instant messaging. With time and patience, collaborating with your ex on parenting issues will most likely become easier.  See our blog on using Our Family Wizard as an effective tool.

 

Establish boundaries

 

As important as communication is for successful co-parenting, it is just as important for you and your ex to establish reasonable boundaries and show respect for one another’s privacy. Tempting as it may be, avoid grilling your kids for details about your ex’s personal life after divorce.  Also resist the urge to micromanage or criticize your ex’s parenting skills — even when he or she does things in a way that you would not choose. If you make an effort to choose your battles and keep things in perspective, your ex-spouse will be more willing to extend you the same courtesy.

 

Minimize conflict during the divorce process

 

Couples with children and others who wish to minimize the negative impact of divorce often benefit from a process known as collaborative divorce . Unlike traditional divorce litigation, which is fundamentally adversarial, collaborative divorce is based on cooperation and communication between the spouses, with a shared goal of reaching a mutually agreeable outcome. At the beginning of the collaborative divorce process, both spouses sign a contract that states they agree to resolve the divorce without resorting to litigation.

 

For couples who are interested in collaborative divorce but are not necessarily ready to sign a contract, cooperative divorce offers a similar solution. The process of cooperative divorce is essentially the same as collaborative divorce, except that the spouses retain the option of going to court as a last resort.

 

If you have any questions regarding divorce, please contact our office at 414-258-1644 to schedule a free initial office consultation or visit our website for more information.

Our Family Wizard: A Tool for Productive Communication Between Parents

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While it is certainly the goal for parents to communicate amicably during or following a divorce, that is often not the case. Tools like Our Family Wizard (“OFW”) help accomplish productive communication, even when parties are unable to have effective communication directly. OFW is a user friendly program, available through a website (listed below), where parents pay $99.00 for a year subscription to the program, and then are able to set up their private communication webspace.

OFW has an “information bank” where parents can keep current on their child’s medical records and school records. The “message board” is a place where parents can type messages directly to each other to inform the other parent about activities the children may have, or placement schedules. Reminders may also be set on this program so that parents are notified of important events that are scheduled through OFW. Parents may also create an expense log on OFW, which can be used for example, to avoid the hassle of calling the other parent every time a bill is incurred that is court ordered to be split.

If you have an attorney, or there is a Guardian ad Litem appointed to your case, either of them may also view this communication. This is great for attorneys and Guardian ad Litem’s because it eliminates the “he said/she said” battle that often occurs in divorce cases, and holds each parent responsible for what they enter into the program. Further, the court has access to this information, so both parents are likely to keep all communication appropriate and productive.

More and more, courts are ordering parents to activate OFW accounts in an effort to avoid conflict and enforce healthy communication between parties. Courts typically use OFW as a “third party mediator” for parents who have trouble communicating with one another directly. However, even in less contentious cases, this program is an effective tool in keeping the parents organized and allows parents to resolve their issues on their own. It helps expose to the court parents who are not communicating well, and it highlights parents who are communicating effectively.

Although there are several other ways in which OFW is helpful, the most important, as a family attorney and Guardian ad Litem, is that OFW helps shield children from the divorce. The children have less exposure to argumentative telephone communications and seeing mean e-mails from one parent to another when all communication is done in one place that is password protected and for the parents, attorneys and courts eyes only.

Please check out http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw to get more information about OFW and to find out what the program can do for you and your family as you go through your divorce.